Friday, May 25, 2007
It had just stop raining, the road was wet and tiny water droplets were dripping from the trees as the wind blew. She was walking alone, the breeze was cool after the rain. The sun had just started to set on the horizon. A cuckoo sang, perched atop a mango tree. The sky was a riot of colours, few clouds dotted the sky, orange, pink and purple in colour. She looked up at the sky, the clouds only enhanced the depth of the vast sky. A soft breeze blew, the tree leaves trembled and a small water droplet fell on her delicate pink cheeks, her soft black hair danced delicately with the breeze. A smile broke onto her face, her blue eyes twinkled. She closed her eyes and opened her arms, she wanted to fly. She took a deep breath, the cool fresh air filled her lungs and she ran, she ran as fast as she could, giggling and happy as if she was flying. An old man was sitting on a bench near the park and observing her. Her joy was infectious and he couldn't conceal the smile which she brought to his face.
"Cherry, come on lets go home dear", a voice called out to the girl. She ran towards the bridge and hugged her mother. The old man stared as she left, hopping alongside, holding her mother's hand. He sat there thinking for a long time, the girl's face was still clear in front of his eyes. He smiled as he thought of her. Her momentary presence had brought a special joy in his life, he felt as if some kind of energy had filled his mind and body.
When he reached home, he could still feel the joy in his heart. He went to bed early but couldn't sleep because of the anticipation of going to the park next day and watching the little girl.
When he got up the next day, he had a weird feeling, he couldn't recognize the feeling, he felt very uneasy. Later, he realized he was nervous, he sat on a chair thinking. When was the last time he was so happy? He couldn't remember, when was the last time he experienced such joy. He was scared, yes he was scared of being happy. All he remembered was that he lived alone for years, without any feelings. Each day of these years, staying alone, he never felt happy, neither did he ever felt sad. Everyday, he lived there, he lived like a robot, with a daily routine as if programmed into him. Without any feelings, just plain numb.
He was scared now, scared to have feelings. He was bothered of being scared too. He felt an uneasiness, a restlessness, he couldn't think clearly. He wanted to run away, at the same time he wanted to lock himself up in a room.
He got up and went to his room, and sat on his rocking chair. He sat there the whole of morning, afternoon and evening, without moving, just rocking slowly in his chair and breathing slowly. Night had fallen, he did not get up from his chair, it was pitch dark in his house, he didn't move.
11 comments:
nice intro to ur story mam!!
eagerly waiting for the rest
Shubham
Yeah.. me too..
Waiting...
:)
Nice!
I like the way u write!
Thanks Jean!
BTW.. welcome.. I guess this is your first visit to my blog.. do read the other stories and plz share your reviews..
Thanks again
-Shweta
Hmm..nice story filled with emotions, confusions....kinda depiction of the future of those ppl who don't have time to enjoy their lives rite now....[:)]
Back to the best...
I think there isnt going to be more of it, right?
Hey Mutantx
Thanks for the comment..
Hey Neel
Well.. nope.. thats the end of the story.. :)
thanks for compliment :D
1. Thanks a ton for reading and commenting on my work.
2. More so, Thanks for liking it as much as you said you did :)
3. You have great stories to tell. You deal with human emotions in a very fresh manner. Not all your stories work, some kinda fail, but I totally respect the fact that you try to talk about emotions in a totally new light.
4. Mind if I point out some places where you can better your writing (from my perspective that is)? Your stories are so unconventional that use of cliched words and images really bothers the reader (me) when I read your stories. To add further simplicity, use shorter sentences. The way your stories deal with emotions is complex, to deliver that blow well, it will help a *great* deal if you keep your sentences short. Furthermore, avoid using cliched adjectives, or adjectives which can be assumed or filled in by the reader's mind. Try finding different ways to describe things, different similes and metaphors. That will help your work greatly! In fact, I am very happy to read such unconventional work come out of an unpublished writer (haven't read such writing in a very long time.) And finally (phew!): your stories need a balance of description, you need to balance where you need more details and where you need less :)
Like for e.g. in this story, the sentence: "Her joy was infectious and he couldn't conceal the smile which she brought to his face." Isolating this sentence, doesn't it seem like you've read this sentence a lot of times in many books? :) But it belongs to a story which deals with the old man's emotion VERY well, so find another way of telling us the same thing about her smile. The details about the happy garden scene could be left out very easily, the whole first paragraph and instead you could tell us about what the girl was wearing...
I am sorry if I got carried away and said more than I should, but I really enjoyed reading the stories I've read so far on your blog and most of the above points seem to be common in all of them, couldn't help but tell you about it because with the way you think and your plots work, with little touch ups to your writing style - this will be very powerful fiction :)
wow.. thanks a lot.. makes a lot of sense.. i wasnt even aware of these flaws.. :D
thanks again!!
tcha! flaws! that's an ugly word for writing as good as yours :)
it doesn't have flaws, it just doesn't have some more goodness which can make it better :) even one actual 'flaw' wouldn't have made the writing good in the first place! :)
i hope i didn't come across as a snooty asshole when i mentioned those pointers :)
Hmmm ... :)
Thanks..
No no .. no ways..in fact I liked it.. coz writing those things means.. that you are a friendly person and a good guide.. :D
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