Sunday, July 05, 2015

Have you ever romanced a place, yes, not a person but a place? I have, it feels just the same as romancing a person. You touch, breathe, feel, talk, listen to a place just like how you would with a person. For instance, when you miss your lover, you pick his shirt and you find comfort in his fragrance on the shirt, isn't it similar to waking up to the same scent of fresh morning dew everyday. You long for a hug at the end of a hard day, while you also find solace in the sweet caress of the warm, humid breeze on a summer evening. Sitting on a quite afternoon when your love tucks away your hair behind your ears, don't you get the same feeling when a cool breeze sneaks it's way through the cracks of the window and plays with your locks. On some days when you can't take your eyes off your loved one and you just want to sit there and look in their eyes, don't you get the same feeling sitting on the beach staring at the beautiful sunset. On both occasions you just wish that the day never ends. Oh! I can keep writing about the similarities but I guess I have given you a fair idea of what I am talking about.

I realized that I had a romantic relationship with one such place and I realized my love for it only after I left it forever. I don't know how many monsoons will I miss before we meet again, how I long for the sweet smell of mud when it rains. How I long for the early morning song of the birds, the silence of the lazy afternoons, the cacophony of the evenings and the lullaby of the night. I long to look at the moon from my window, the sun's rays playing on my veranda. It's bitter sweet, the bitter emptiness of the sweet love we had, I miss you. 

Monday, July 25, 2011

A local train, a typical Indian railway station, we ran dragging our luggage along the length of the train looking for a place to sit. I find one and scream and wave to others. In our attempt to stay together despite looking in different directions for a place to sit, this was the best I could try to capture their attention. I run inside rather than waiting for others to arrive, and lug my baggage on the seat to claim its occupancy. The other two quickly follow, one climbs in while the other throws in the luggage. Once both are aboard, they quickly drag themselves along with the bags and we settle in the seats.
I gaze out of the window, I feel I have been transported back at least 20years. A lady carrying two plastic bags along with her two kids sits on the seat diagonally opposite mine. Smeared in red nail-paint and lipstick, she squeezes in to find ample place so that she can accommodate her little daughter on her lap, while her son sits opposite her. They play with a tiny circular object tied in the center with a string. I smile at the innocence and abhor myself for judging the lady negatively at the lack of her make-up sense. My heart melts when I see the mother playing with her children, I look away disgusted with my sense of judgement.
A song plays on, I don't even remember when I had heard it last, when I was in 4th grade, maybe 5th. The speakers of whichever device the song was emanating from appeared as if it would die out any minute. Still I loved the song, the sun was setting, we crossed one tunnel after another, on my first trip I had attempted to count them all. I don't try it any more, and no I don't remember either how many tunnels were there.
I miss my past, but, this present too is so ghastly like the past! I won't know, in future whether I will miss the past or the present which felt like the past.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Blog-
Me: hmmm...ummm...oooo...hmmm...
I: This is what happens when you don't blog for so long! Hmph!
Me: ummm... but..
I: What?! Rusted your brain?!
Me: uh.. No!
I: Yea right!What then?!
Me: just that I ..
I: I... I... that's Me you aren't I..
Me: But you just said Me yourself!
I: ahem! Don't digress from the topic!

Friday, February 04, 2011

Finally like I stated earlier, my blog has the new look. I like it, its bright and feminine but not over the top feminine and its pink but not too pink! :)
Fresh at last!!
Sitting here in my old office after many months brings back the nostalgia, the roller-coaster months of my life when I was away from this office have changed me. The office stays the same, but the friends are missing. The familiar smiling faces blur in front of my eyes. I am still surrounded by familiar faces, the old office colleagues are still there, just that I have become aware of their presence due to the absence of a few. Ironically, the same faces appeared absent earlier due to the presence of those few.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

Sigh! Amazingly the gears which run the creative part of my brain have rusted so bad, I draw a blank each time I think of writing something.. hopefully its not rusted beyond repair! :D
I guess as I try to bring them back in motion.. the result will be a not so good story.. because it may be accompanied with metallic squeaks and it may halt at times with jitters!
For a change maybe I will give a fresh look to my blog!

Saturday, October 02, 2010

August 07 2009 was the date of my last post... I sit here today squinting at the screen wondering how far I have come or how much behind I am left in the race! I have had sleepless nights, thoughts flooding my mind which wet my eyes. I am angry with my self it's clear, but it's the fear of acceptance which reigns strong, acceptance isn't easy! Life taught me so many lessons but I wonder if I learnt them or if I am still the same old fool!

Friday, August 07, 2009

Its been real long since I blogged...here is a small post..

He slept in her arms, wrapped in a shabby cloth, his head dangling without any support. His face was covered with dirt and grime. Tear marks were highlighted on his face because of the dirt deposited on the tracks. His lips were cracked and slightly departed, he seemed to be in deep slumber, but something about the way he slept made me feel queasy. The lady carrying him, tossed him in air to adjust his curled up body against hers, and still he slept in that deep deep slumber. This tossing up of his body made me observe his tiny right hand, it had a little rakhi tied on his wrist, it brought some warmth to the cold scene in front of my eyes. But it was only short lived, soon the skin of his hand became clearly visible as our car moved closer, the skin on his arm was shriveled, due to a burn I presume. It reminded me of a scene from a bollywood movie, where babies his age are given heavy doses of drugs so that they don't cry because of hunger or thirst. I send a small prayer for him.

Friday, May 15, 2009

I wonder about every comment, they say its constructive, constructive criticism. They pride themselves in crushing creativity, in crushing individuality. Some don't criticize, they just pass an order, a rule you need to follow without questioning. And I wonder is it my life or theirs? Why do I keep killing myself to be true on someone else's idea of an idol person. Why am I being watched over by everyone? Why all those million sets of eyes lock up on me? My eyes turn misty, I look up at the sky, all in vain, what would he know, who himself created this divide, sitting up there smirking at our plight!
I stand alone as my lungs fill with the dry summer air. A heavy heart and cold sigh have just possessed me. I look towards the moon amidst the scant patches of clouds. It just doesn't look beautiful. I stare straight ahead blankly, at the half finished concrete structure. The kids scream as they play and vehicles honk and dodge them. The reality has slapped me right across my face many times. Every single time I protest, with a faint hope in my heart, wishing it should not be this way, as its not right. My head feels numb again, yes I always get this feeling when I am low or furious. A voice inside me says, its been so many years, why don't you just give up and face the reality and accept life the way it is, it only says this so that it can ease my pain and I should not suffer again. Its hard to give up on that hope, the tiny rebel in me survives only on that, wishing, yes wishing against wish, that the life of my dreams does exist.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

23rd April 2009 15th Lok Sabha Elections (2nd Phase)
My father had registered our names for the voting list almost 2years back. Our attempts to vote in the past were futile, as we would search our names in the voting lists and would return disappointed.
Finally, we came across www.jaagore.com thanks to the TATA Tea Advertisement, and found our names in the voter list. The information helped us a lot, we found our polling station's address and booth number all online.
We visited the booth in the morning around 10am and the whole process barely took any time. I was excited, this was the first time I got to vote, and it felt great to do my bit for the country. I now proudly flaunt my inked finger! :)

Sunday, April 05, 2009

The hot summers remind me of my school days. The long summer vacations were fun, mischief and carelessness. Behind all these, there always lay a small fear, of not completing the summer vacation homework. The homework, we would tend to forget and feverishly try completing a couple of days before the school was to begin.

I get that little fear again and I hate it. I don't have any homeworks to complete, the summer vacations are long gone. Still I get that feeling at times and I totally hate it. Now that I think of it, it was so cruel of the teachers to give us summer vacation homework, it would somehow, somewhere prevent us from having 100% fun. The fun we so very well deserved. It saddens me to see, we are so bound by little things in life, which prevent us living our own lives.

A small trip from Norwalk to New York, in a train, Merrit7 to Grand Central. A plane from Mumbai to Brisbane via Singapore. A walk from nowhere to somewhere. I so want to walk away, just walk into the unknown. Walk to a place where no one is waiting for me, away from a place where no one bids good byes, expecting a safe return. I just wished I could walk one day into the morning mist and disappear. I so wish.

I am not running away, if you think so, I care not. I just want to live my life once only for me without that little fear holding back my heart's desires. I want to be free once, just once.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

A clear blue sky above, with a few fluffy pure white clouds dotting it. The ocean below, bluer than the sky, the cold wind caressing the ocean water as it softly blows. The sun warming my body when it shivered because of the cold wind. The wind provided relief when my skin burned in the sun. The sweet play of the two of them on my body made me smile, as the sweet voice of the ocean water sang to me from its depth. The rough sand clings to my skin and slowly trickles down as I make attempts to hold it.

I run towards the water, the wind softly blows my hair, I hop and then jump with a loud splash in the crystal clear water. The bubbles around me rush for the surface. I float, the soft and smooth water splashes against me with a rhythm. A sea gull hovers above balancing itself against the mighty wind.

I dive deep, the sun's rays filter through the water, sparkling. The soft water pushes me ahead with its flow, the sand below on the ocean floor becomes the canvas of the sun and the ocean water. Waves become the brush strokes and the wind the painter.

Who says there is no such thing like magic. If this isn't magic then what is?

Thursday, November 06, 2008

कब जानी थी उसने १ रुपए की कीमत? शायद गरीबी ने उसे माँ के पेट से ही सिखा दिया था | उसे तो अब यह भी याद न था की कबसे उसने पैसे जोड़ने शुरू किए | बरसों से पैसे जोड़ता रहा उसका परिवार, पर कभी पुरे नही पड़े | न तो उसे शराब और जुए की लत थी न ही वो फिजूल खर्ची था | साल भर पैसे जुटाता तब कहीं दिवाली पर घर में चार दिए जलते |  

गाँव छोड़ शहर में आ बसा, मेहनत मजदूरी कर कमाने खाने लगा | शहर उसे कभी नही भाया, अजीब सी दौड़ में सब यहाँ भागते रहते | वो शहर में होते हुए भी शहर का कभी हिस्सा नही रहा | जब अपनी हाथ गाड़ी के पास दो पल सुस्ताने बैठता तो दूर से ही शहर को और शहरवासियों को निहारता रहता | चमचमाती गाड़ियों में लोग सर्राटे से निकल जाते | एक अजीब सी उधेड़ बुन में सब फसे थे | कहने को उनमे और इसमें कई फरक थे पर फ़िर भी पैसे जोड़ने की दौड़ में दोनों लगे थे |  

एक सुखी रोटी देख उसने पेट भरना सीख लिया था | शहर की दौड़ती भीड़ को देख उसने जीना सीख लिया था |

Thursday, October 16, 2008


The dirt road curved through the desert sand, the sun shone with all its might in the afternoon. Her little feet hurried as the road beneath burnt her little bare feet. Her red worn out frock fluttered in the breeze. Her face was covered with dust and her parched lips were dry but curved in a half smile.

As she came closer to the hut, she increased her speed and hopped and jumped. As she reached the door she came to an abrupt halt and stood at the door. The door was wide open, and she peeped inside and her smile widened into a grin.

The girl sitting inside caught the glimpse of her standing at the door. Her sight made her eyes sparkle and she frantically waved her arm and beckoned her little sister inside. The little one couldn't conceal her happiness and shrieked with joy. She ran across to her elder sister, and threw herself at her. Her sister hugged her tightly and tickled her playfully. 

She laughed and gasped for breath, her sister pulled the plate kept in front of her. She then picked up little morsels of food from the plate and fed her little sister. She ate hungrily and giggled in between looking at her sister. Her sister's eyes filled with tears looking at the joy of her younger sister. Deep within her heart she thanked God for the food and returned to feeding her little sister and they both smiled.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I feel empty as I sit here, ironically this emptiness makes my heart heavy. I swivel in my chair and ponder on a thought I can't think of. Its a beautiful evening outside and the child in me wants to go out and play.
I want to laugh at myself and at the same time I feel like crying. I feel angry and I feel sorry at the same time. In short I am lost and frustrated!
I don't know what to write and at the same time I have to write! 

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

An inspiration..
A holiday finally cleared my mind, as I lay on my bed, besides my mother. I couldn't stop my mind from wandering. I felt empty as work had taken up most of my last 3 months, I was drained physically & mentally. I turned in my bed, as cool breeze blew over my face, I looked at the shadow of a plant on the wall, casted by a construction site's halogen bulb. I had this sudden urge of reading, reading the blog of Rahul Pandita - Sanity Sucks. My mind races, sensing my mother still awake, I tell her about Rahul. 
"Maa, you know I read a blog written by a journalist. You won't remember his name, but during the Kargil war he would often report live from Kashmir. In one of his blogs I read how he is helping the mothers of Eastern India, where children often fall prey to drug abuse. Rahul decided to help these women, and he had a friend back in Delhi, who was good at making caricatures. They decided to start publishing comic strips to raise awareness and help in this movement. He gave up his job of journalism, and is now writing a book."
My mother asked, "What about the women? Did the movement help?"
I said, "Yes, it did."
I wondered, its been quite sometime since I read that story of his. I wondered whether I even remembered the facts clearly.
My mind raced back, almost 5-6 years back, I don't recollect completely. I had just entered home from college I threw my bag, and watched the TV as I sat munching on the dining table. A news report from Kargil was being telecast live, a name in white flashed on a strip of red at the bottom - Rahul Pandita, and a voice said, "... with cameraman ... reporting live from Kargil ... Rahul Pandita". I smiled, picked up my phone and called up my friend, Avinash Pandita, a Kashmiri, his best friend's name was Rahul Koul. I asked him, "Do you know any reporter called Rahul Pandita?" He said "No." Of course, it was this co-incidence that I could never forget Rahul Pandita's name. I happened to tell both Rahul and Avinash the next day in college about the reporter on Zee News (or was it Star News I don't remember now) named 'Rahul Pandita'.

Years later, I had started to blog, and had started to read many blogs. One day, while browsing through the list of one of the blogger Jugal, whose blogs I used to frequent often, I stumbled upon an interesting blog, where Jugal was a contributor and there were innumerable other contributors too. But, my eyes caught one particular name, 'Rahul Pandita'. My heart raced, and I wondered is he the same Rahul Pandita?!

A young boy in his twenties, wearing sun  glasses sitting on a low compound wall, that was his profile picture. That was the first time I saw him, I don't remember him from any of his news telecasts. But the white name on the red strip, flashed in front of my eyes again. At that time I had thought Rahul would be a man, in his late thirties or early forties, with a thick moustache, reporting from Kargil. But I was quite taken aback when I saw this picture of his.

I then clicked on his profile, and read that he was writing a book and thought, wow how cool is that! There were 3 blogs in his profile, the second one was where I had found him, where he contributed along with Jugal. The 3rd one caught my eye, it read, 'Sanity Sucks'.

I clicked on it, the background was an image, from a village, it was the picture of a brick wall of a house. It had a small closed window, which had a steel glass kept on it. I liked the picture, it reminded me of my granny's village. I read his posts, most of them, I barely worked for two days in office. I only read his blogs, and talked about his blogs during lunches and coffee breaks.

Read blogs about him in Delhi, about several other things, refugee camps, Abshaar, tomatoes. I discussed his blog with my Kashmiri friends on lunch the following Sunday. Of course my friends were younger than Rahul and didn't remember much about refugee camps. However, Rahul Koul, my friend, did narrate his adventure about their leaving Srinagar and moving to Udhampur. Vinay Raina too remembered, how sad he felt leaving his cricket bat back home, which he never got again. I proudly told Ashu, I learnt a new Kashmiri word - Abshaar. A song from the movie Yahan echoed in my head - Urzu Urzu durkut ... I pictured Rahul Pandita, sitting in Abshaar, as a guest in his own home.

I would often read his posts, I used to love reading them before going to bed. They always made me think, they made me think a lot. I purposely skipped most of his posts, they were real, they were true, truth so bare I knew I couldn't bear.

I turn again in my bed and my mind wanders again, I picture my self in a book store in Delhi. Its the launch of Rahul's book, I buy a book and move towards him, he doesn't look like that boy in his profile picture now, the sun glasses have been replaced with a pair of spectacles. I see the resemblance to his current profile picture. I hand my book over to him, he autographs it and smiles. I smile back, thousands of thoughts race in my mind, I wonder should I tell him that I read his blogs. I pick the book, and start walking away, I reach the exit and I turn back and look at him signing other books. I want to open the book and look at his autograph, but my mind cannot imagine his autograph, it draws a blank page and I like to leave it that way. I clutch the closed book, in my hands and walk out from the exit door.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I complained that traveling for 40kms each side to my office, never left me with enough time to blog. I would leave my home at 8am in the morning and would not reach earlier than 8:30pm often. I would normally sleep in the bus, which was a good way to spend the 4hours of travel. However, today I thought as I haven’t been giving myself the creative freedom that my restless mind deserved, I decided to put my mind to work and blog while my back aches during this journey.

 

I had to write about many things, a year back I was to write about our short vacation, to my birthplace followed by little adventures I had in Ujjain, Dewas & Indore. But I never got myself to writing it. Now, I wait to write about my Australia travel, a 15 day official visit to Gold Coast.

 

One thing I cannot get myself to write about is a trip, the reason is that, my mind starts to race and it floods with multiple thoughts and feelings. To top it being a software engineer, I feel laziness is not a bad habit it’s just my birth-right and it’s morally correct to be lazy.

 

Yawn! We are stuck in a jam, and my bus is crawling and I am getting distracted, a couple of guys are watching Phoonk on the seat right behind me. I hate horror movies, although I find them thrilling and I enjoy them.

 

I don’t mind confessing, that I couldn’t sleep alone at night. I needed someone at least in the house if not in the same room. I have always stayed with my parents and only for couple of years I was in a boarding school where almost 40 girls slept in the dormitory.

 

Well, the Australia trip at least taught me to sleep alone, in a room all by myself, and I am proud of it, and my bus still crawls, I assume the clock will strike 9pm today; I have a gut feeling we are going to set a record ;)

 

 Its festival season in Maharashtra, with the 6th day of Ganpati festival, we do expect a lot traffic because of the celebrations. On second thoughts I want to close this laptop and watch the colourful pandals erected outside :D and I succumb to the temptation. J

 

Bye..

 

Oh damn! Looks like I missed the major pandals on the road, now we will hit the highway and I don’t reckon we will see a lot of them there, and also I need to get my mind onto something, the sounds of the horror movie behind makes me feel creepy!!

 

P.S: I am watching Horton hears a Who!! :)

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Wow.. blogging after a long long time.. and was quite taken aback with the new look of blogger..
anyways.. lots to write .. tonnes to share.. in this period I saw some of the worst and some of the best days of my life.. I don't know where to start.. a pathetic team at office .. my mother suddenly taking ill at midnight or the awesome Australia trip which followed..
I guess I will keep the posts to the Australia trip... that will keep everyone interested..
P.S: I feel great coming to blogger.. :) Thanks Blogger.. I thought I would need psychiatric help without you.. ;) ok.. thats getting senti .. lemme get back to my post.. and the ones which will follow..
Australia Trip - 3rd Aug to 16th Aug
Gold Coast, Southport, Queensland, Australia
Holiday Inn - A room on 7th Floor
Winter in Australia - 4 deg C to 14 deg C with strong winds

There is so much to write.. I guess I will put each day one at a time..
In short.. this trip taught me a lot .. I grew and learned a lot as a person .. this was my first trip alone, abroad, to a place so far. Yea! I was a boarding school student in 5th n 6th std .. didn't understand much and never was away from home after that.

I don't want your expectations to be soaring, this trip had its own adventures but don't expect adventures which you may find in a Batman comic or a Tin-Tin comic!

So watch out for the forthcoming posts and some great pics to follow!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

After so many days.. I felt that numbness again.. the numbness of your brain.. its that feeling when you don't want to feel anything..
Today a new realization, about me, dawned upon me.. in short I had one of those moments of 'self-realization', not the spiritual kinds, just when you come face to face to your own self..
Well, after that.. you go into that do-not touch me mode i.e. the numbness feeling.. and then things start connecting, and you realize how deep rooted your feelings were.. and you knew your very desire since the beginning, as all your dreams were those desires.. and how ironically, its someone else's words which make you realize that..
Then the worst part.. you start judging those desires, and I wonder why do we have to classify everything into 'Right' or 'Wrong'?! Why can't there be a classification like.. "Nothing"!! Or "Just another thing" or "Anything"!!!
Then the next bad part follows, the guilt trips, yeah I know they are terrible too.. but well.. you feel guilty of not fulfilling your desires and betraying them, and then you feel guilty of being weak and giving in to your desire of fulfilling your desires.. ah.. I know its complicated I hate it too.. so lets leave it at that..
And then you write a blog to pour out your confusion, which results in confusing others.. nevertheless, you feel light.. you smile and carry on with your day! Feeling numb again?!